Brief encounter with grief

So I grew up and went to college and all. In college I read Ayn Rand's book and all. After college I prepared for CAT seeking admission to IIMs. The best part about preparing for CAT was that sometimes you come across highly condensed texts of last few century's western philosophers, the likes of Aristotle, Immanuel Kant,  Schopenhauer, Friedrich Nietzsche. You read a small passage and when you return home after giving an All India Mock test, you would want to read more. I really liked  Schopenhauer. If you have read a bit about him, you would know why I liked him.

Anyways I wasn't much successful in CAT and I am glad I didn't go to an IIM wasting tax payer's money, like I thought I did in IT-BHU, and inflicting further misery upon myself. When I read philosophy I admired thoughts, discussed it with intellectuals. For example, we sometimes wrongly presuming effects as cause in the phenomenon of causality. But not many thoughts sticks. After CAT was over, the book about philosophy was buried in one corner of my Almirah.


Struk by grief

In my journey of life, I have met loss. I guess in times when we are stuck by grief  we start questioning "What did I do wrong? Why me? What is true meaning of life? What is my purpose in life?" Anyway I lost my appetite and my desire to watch movies, listen to music. I couldn't find peace anywhere and my response to loss was alcohol and cigarette. Subduing my senses, escaping from reality even though for a very short while.

Then in my search for peace and calmness, I stumbled upon "Bhagwad Geeta". I gave my egoist atheist a break and I prepared myself to at least make the effort to understand the doctrine. I said to myself "It is after all the moral book of law for Hindu, it will definitely have some words of wisdom"

It turned out to be an excellent choice. Here is what I learned and I still remember. (Kindly forgive me if my words are not exact)

• Geeta is the moral code of life: "a code given by the God Krishna himself to be followed by the humans"
• That there are five constants in life: "birth, youth, old age, disease and death".
• "The body dies and the soul remains. Just like a person would cast off his old clothing and wear new ones, similarly a soul will take up a new body after death".

"So regret not o pal for the loss of your loved one". This helped me in accepting my loss and my grief lessened.

• That there are two ways of reaching liberation: path of action and path of renunciation. Like Arjuna, who was the flawless archer, can only seek liberation through continued effort in a battlefield. So if Arjuna choses to not fight his brethren such as Bhisma Pitamah, relatives who are supporting adharma, he is doing wrong. Likewise, one ought to do one's karma and not shy away
• The other path of higher achievement is the path of renunciation. This is not for everyone and especially for lay folks like me.

So I only read a few chapters and did not bother going into the latter path. One thing however that did bother me was that the translator, some Swami, was highly arrogant and had a sense of attitude. I of course didn't understand any Sanskrit and had bought an English translation of the book. He for sure criticized a lot. For example, he was highly critical of young people who had left home and go to Himalayas in search of liberation only to return back to their homes after a few days. It is actually difficult to be put up with such bickering.


So I read a few chapters are put is aside. Even though it has been my wish to read and fully comprehend the holy book, I haven't reached out to my collection and fetched that book. I guess it is the innate functioning of the subconsciousness that keep us away from the unpleasant. I hope some day I am able to gather much force to overcome the inertia of bearing with Swami's views and opinions.

A religious choice

namotasa bhagvato arahato sama sam buddha sa

I will narrate my journey in pursuit of a religion

The plethora of choices

I am a Sindhi. When I was a kid, I was made to attend the pooja at home, or sometimes my Dad would take me to the temple. Dad would lift me up so that I could ring the temple bell and I loved the idea of getting prasad. Anyway, I never understood a word priest or Mom said during Aarti, especially the language priest spoke during prayers was a nutcracker. During Deewali all the idols of different Gods were nicely decorated and the family came together. We had customs I didn't understand, customs such as dipping gold and silver coins in milk like liquid and touching God's forehead or sitting quietly during prayers. The customs that I understood very well was eating sweets after prayers are over and touching feet of all elders who would give kharchi or money. What I also understood was that the lights or candles should not go out as Goddess Laxmi would be visiting. So if there was a power cut, it can be problematic. In the town I grew up, electricity was not supplied for a few hours in a day. However the electric department was kind during festivals such as Deewali.

Different people worship different Gods. I came to Mumbai last year and people worship Lord Ganesha a lot. It was the time during Ganesh Chaturthi and I was advised to go to Lal Bagh, a place in Mumbai where they have a gigantic idol and people come to worship from all corners of world. So I planned to go there along with a few acquaintances from work. I got up at 4 a.m. and I traveled with a friend. We thought "local trains would not be crowded at this hour, lets see." It turned out to be otherwise, the trains and stations were jam packed. By the time I got out of the station I got scared seeing the vast number of people waiting for darshan. I changed my mind, took a taxi back to the guest house where I was staying.

Once I was invited to hear 'Satyanarayan katha.' This time I thought I would carefully listen to the entire story and try to understand the meaning. The underlying theme as I understood was "If you worship the God Satyanarayan, incarnation of Lord Vishnu, prosperity will come to you. However if you are slack and negligence in your devotion, you would be penalized and misery would come to you"

So if you were to pick a God of your choice to worship, which God will you pick? All the Gods have supernatural powers and who are humans to compare divine entities like Gods?

One approach can be to follow your parents or priest and stick to one God for worship. You commit yourself to God, you are faithful, devoted and you let God watch all your activities. You confide in God through thick and thin, you go about your life and ensure that moral code is maintained. You have faith that your God will take care of you, protect you in tough times.

The proliferation of Babas

In India there are so many popular and unpopular Babas, the teachers or God's messenger. If you watch TV you would know of limitless teachers. Or worse, there are some Babas whose ashrams got raided and what was unearthed: hot babes and loads of cash.

Then there is Baba Ramdev who is a skilled Yoga teacher and wants to hold politicians accountable for public money hoarded in Swiss banks. Anyway in Baba Ramdev, I see a lot of desire and ambition. These days there is "Nirmal Baba". Earlier he was a businessmen and apparently he has solution to all your problems. All you need to do is deposit money to his bank account.

Anyway I, a lay person, am not skilled to evaluate the teachings of any Baba.

In summary, the problem of choice remains and is now compounded: what religion to choose and which teacher to follow?


My choice

I was a rebel and in my teens, I would say to a friend visiting temple during exams "Aren't you mean? You just show up in the temple when in need. Anyway, have you ever seen God? Have you seen his magic for real? Like they show in Ramayana and Mahabharata. When God is fighting the devil and his arrows would multiply in mid-flight or sometimes catch fire. Or Surya Putra Karna, the son of sun, will bring out his Bhramastra, the nuclear bomb that can destroy the whole planet?"

Until I see for myself, I am not believing any God and I will only get the marks that I study for. I declared myself an atheist.