Brief encounter with grief

So I grew up and went to college and all. In college I read Ayn Rand's book and all. After college I prepared for CAT seeking admission to IIMs. The best part about preparing for CAT was that sometimes you come across highly condensed texts of last few century's western philosophers, the likes of Aristotle, Immanuel Kant,  Schopenhauer, Friedrich Nietzsche. You read a small passage and when you return home after giving an All India Mock test, you would want to read more. I really liked  Schopenhauer. If you have read a bit about him, you would know why I liked him.

Anyways I wasn't much successful in CAT and I am glad I didn't go to an IIM wasting tax payer's money, like I thought I did in IT-BHU, and inflicting further misery upon myself. When I read philosophy I admired thoughts, discussed it with intellectuals. For example, we sometimes wrongly presuming effects as cause in the phenomenon of causality. But not many thoughts sticks. After CAT was over, the book about philosophy was buried in one corner of my Almirah.


Struk by grief

In my journey of life, I have met loss. I guess in times when we are stuck by grief  we start questioning "What did I do wrong? Why me? What is true meaning of life? What is my purpose in life?" Anyway I lost my appetite and my desire to watch movies, listen to music. I couldn't find peace anywhere and my response to loss was alcohol and cigarette. Subduing my senses, escaping from reality even though for a very short while.

Then in my search for peace and calmness, I stumbled upon "Bhagwad Geeta". I gave my egoist atheist a break and I prepared myself to at least make the effort to understand the doctrine. I said to myself "It is after all the moral book of law for Hindu, it will definitely have some words of wisdom"

It turned out to be an excellent choice. Here is what I learned and I still remember. (Kindly forgive me if my words are not exact)

• Geeta is the moral code of life: "a code given by the God Krishna himself to be followed by the humans"
• That there are five constants in life: "birth, youth, old age, disease and death".
• "The body dies and the soul remains. Just like a person would cast off his old clothing and wear new ones, similarly a soul will take up a new body after death".

"So regret not o pal for the loss of your loved one". This helped me in accepting my loss and my grief lessened.

• That there are two ways of reaching liberation: path of action and path of renunciation. Like Arjuna, who was the flawless archer, can only seek liberation through continued effort in a battlefield. So if Arjuna choses to not fight his brethren such as Bhisma Pitamah, relatives who are supporting adharma, he is doing wrong. Likewise, one ought to do one's karma and not shy away
• The other path of higher achievement is the path of renunciation. This is not for everyone and especially for lay folks like me.

So I only read a few chapters and did not bother going into the latter path. One thing however that did bother me was that the translator, some Swami, was highly arrogant and had a sense of attitude. I of course didn't understand any Sanskrit and had bought an English translation of the book. He for sure criticized a lot. For example, he was highly critical of young people who had left home and go to Himalayas in search of liberation only to return back to their homes after a few days. It is actually difficult to be put up with such bickering.


So I read a few chapters are put is aside. Even though it has been my wish to read and fully comprehend the holy book, I haven't reached out to my collection and fetched that book. I guess it is the innate functioning of the subconsciousness that keep us away from the unpleasant. I hope some day I am able to gather much force to overcome the inertia of bearing with Swami's views and opinions.

Keeping the precepts

One problem that I have with religion is that every religion comes with a bunch of rules. Thou shall not do this and thou should not do that. Muslims have to pray at least five times a day, Christians have to follow the commandments. As a deluded free spirit, I would not want to bounded by constraints.

Like other religions, Buddhism also has a set of rules, called precepts. As a starting point, there are five basic precepts that a practioner observes. These precepts serve the purpose of purifying once's moral conduct. If deed is moral and purified, one doesn't feel the guilt of wrong doing. It is said that when Lord Buddha was a Boddhisatva, he kept the precepts for many lives prior to being born as Siddharth Goutama.

There are couple of differences that I noticed between precepts and rules. Firstly that precepts are always asked by the follower and never enforced by the teachings. So if one would have to approach and request, unlike a command that needs to be followed.

Secondly and most importantly, there is a clear rationale for every precept:

By keeping the first precept "not to take life", one respects the right to life for every living being. It intends to eradicate fear of being harmed or killed in the hearts of many.

By keeping the precept of "not to speak lie", one commits to honesty. If one is honest in one's relationship and conduct, it becomes easy for others around to trust and share.

By keeping the precept "not to engage in sexual misconduct", one keeps out unwholesome temptations and wrong desires arising within the mind. One commits himself to honesty and faith in one's relationship. This in turns promotes peace and harmony in relationships.

By keeping the precept "not to steal", one respects the right of other beings to their belongings .

By keeping the precept "not to consume intoxicants", one doesn't commit wrong doing while not being in control of one's senses.

I make an attempt to keep the precepts but the two tough cookies are the first two. I noticed a few cockroaches in my kitchen and feeling disgusted, left them alone. The thing with roaches is that they multiply pretty fast. They keep popping up everywhere and fuel the hate that I have within for these creatures. Everytime I used to enter the kitchen, I would wonder that roaches would have walked over these utensils so I then would wash the washed utensils before using them. The inner hate eventually grew so strong that I eventually took the insectide in my hands and decimated their population. I still wonder what made me felt such hatred against them "their presence" or "the perception that they need to be destroyed so that I can live peacefully"? One thing for certain, I need to reduce my "hate" quotient to attain peace, something that can't be acheived by killing.

One would argue in today's fast paced life, how could one survive without telling lies? Be it a work related scenario or making an excuse with a friend, we normally find it casual and cool to say a bit of lie, what's the harm in it?

Keeping this precept is difficult however my motivation comes from "When Lord Buddha was a Boddhisatva and keeping the precepts, he could have broken other precepts but not this one. The commitment to honesty and truth is foremost."

A religious choice

namotasa bhagvato arahato sama sam buddha sa

I will narrate my journey in pursuit of a religion

The plethora of choices

I am a Sindhi. When I was a kid, I was made to attend the pooja at home, or sometimes my Dad would take me to the temple. Dad would lift me up so that I could ring the temple bell and I loved the idea of getting prasad. Anyway, I never understood a word priest or Mom said during Aarti, especially the language priest spoke during prayers was a nutcracker. During Deewali all the idols of different Gods were nicely decorated and the family came together. We had customs I didn't understand, customs such as dipping gold and silver coins in milk like liquid and touching God's forehead or sitting quietly during prayers. The customs that I understood very well was eating sweets after prayers are over and touching feet of all elders who would give kharchi or money. What I also understood was that the lights or candles should not go out as Goddess Laxmi would be visiting. So if there was a power cut, it can be problematic. In the town I grew up, electricity was not supplied for a few hours in a day. However the electric department was kind during festivals such as Deewali.

Different people worship different Gods. I came to Mumbai last year and people worship Lord Ganesha a lot. It was the time during Ganesh Chaturthi and I was advised to go to Lal Bagh, a place in Mumbai where they have a gigantic idol and people come to worship from all corners of world. So I planned to go there along with a few acquaintances from work. I got up at 4 a.m. and I traveled with a friend. We thought "local trains would not be crowded at this hour, lets see." It turned out to be otherwise, the trains and stations were jam packed. By the time I got out of the station I got scared seeing the vast number of people waiting for darshan. I changed my mind, took a taxi back to the guest house where I was staying.

Once I was invited to hear 'Satyanarayan katha.' This time I thought I would carefully listen to the entire story and try to understand the meaning. The underlying theme as I understood was "If you worship the God Satyanarayan, incarnation of Lord Vishnu, prosperity will come to you. However if you are slack and negligence in your devotion, you would be penalized and misery would come to you"

So if you were to pick a God of your choice to worship, which God will you pick? All the Gods have supernatural powers and who are humans to compare divine entities like Gods?

One approach can be to follow your parents or priest and stick to one God for worship. You commit yourself to God, you are faithful, devoted and you let God watch all your activities. You confide in God through thick and thin, you go about your life and ensure that moral code is maintained. You have faith that your God will take care of you, protect you in tough times.

The proliferation of Babas

In India there are so many popular and unpopular Babas, the teachers or God's messenger. If you watch TV you would know of limitless teachers. Or worse, there are some Babas whose ashrams got raided and what was unearthed: hot babes and loads of cash.

Then there is Baba Ramdev who is a skilled Yoga teacher and wants to hold politicians accountable for public money hoarded in Swiss banks. Anyway in Baba Ramdev, I see a lot of desire and ambition. These days there is "Nirmal Baba". Earlier he was a businessmen and apparently he has solution to all your problems. All you need to do is deposit money to his bank account.

Anyway I, a lay person, am not skilled to evaluate the teachings of any Baba.

In summary, the problem of choice remains and is now compounded: what religion to choose and which teacher to follow?


My choice

I was a rebel and in my teens, I would say to a friend visiting temple during exams "Aren't you mean? You just show up in the temple when in need. Anyway, have you ever seen God? Have you seen his magic for real? Like they show in Ramayana and Mahabharata. When God is fighting the devil and his arrows would multiply in mid-flight or sometimes catch fire. Or Surya Putra Karna, the son of sun, will bring out his Bhramastra, the nuclear bomb that can destroy the whole planet?"

Until I see for myself, I am not believing any God and I will only get the marks that I study for. I declared myself an atheist.

Compassion for the needy and reverence for the holy

Namo Tassa Bagawato Arahato Sama Sam Buddha Sa

I like to read and I picked up this habit in college. My classmates brought novels of all kinds and there was a culture of reading. The book that touched my heart the most was 'Catcher in the Rye' probably because it had a lot of suffering. Anyway, the unanimous choice in philosophical context were Ayn Rand's books, the likes of Atlas Shrugged and Fountainhead.

I read Atlas Shrugged and was quite moved by it. I don't remember much of it now however what I do remember is the impact it had on me. There was a strong emphasis on finding your purpose in life and striving hard to achieve it. To make your identity in life, to be someone. So much so that someone like me, for whom 4 years of college was picnic, could easily become restless in looking for what to do and how to do what?


She strongly discouraged begging as someone who is so lazy as to not find employment should not be given a single penny. Further, if beggar feels discouraged then he may start looking for alternatives and that in turn will further his development. So a good start point is to discourage beggars.


Buddha's teaching on the other hand is in stark contrast. He would have said "let's sit down and take a closer look at 'identity' or 'self' or 'I' ". What does I represent? There's the body which has which has sense organs. Based on sense organs and their interaction with objects from outer world, there arises contact that gives rise to feeling. So when you are having an ice-cream, your sense of taste comes in contact with ice-cream and you may perhaps experience a pleasant feeling. Based on feelings you form perceptions such as "chocolate ice-cream is delicious". Also, you have some volitions or desires to do something. Something like "Let me get an ice-cream, it's hot!". The fifth attribute is the consciousness or the awareness. In our example it would be "the consciousness of taste". So when the consciousness of sense organ, the sense organ itself and the outer object come together, it forms contact. "That's pretty much it. I can't seem to find "I" or "self" anywhere. Why don't you try and see for yourself?"

I will enumerate some "self" thoughts:  "I ought to a have a big house, a big car, and I ought to be the CEO or Vice President by the time I am 50. I should definitely do a vacation in Switzerland or Europe every year. I deserve this and I don't deserve that. I should always be a winner and never a loser".
For me, life has become much more peaceful when I dropped the "I". I don't have to worry about making plans, setting objectives in life and constantly struggling within to achieve them. Even in life, if one were to lose a lot of material possessions, one would worry less if one drops the "I". It is a cause of lot of stress.

I will narrate another story as I remember. Lord Buddha at some point of time returned to his native kingdom, where he was earlier a prince. In the morning, he was out for alms round when the news reached his father, the King Pasenadi. The king hurriedly came towards Lord Buddha and pleaded "Son, don't embarrass me by seeking alms. No one in our lineage of kings has ever done this. I've enough food in the my palace to feed you and your fellow Bhikkus" To which the Buddha replied "I do not fall in your lineage of kings. My order of monks seeks alms from lay people to feed themselves." I'll quote a sutta from the texts here.

Bhojana Sutta

A Meal

Translated from the Pali by Thanissaro Bhikkhu
For free distribution only

"In giving a meal, the donor gives five things to the recipient. Which five? He/she gives life, beauty, happiness, strength, and quick-wittedness. Having given life, he/she has a share in long life, either human or divine. Having given beauty, he/she has a share in beauty, either human or divine. Having given happiness, he/she has a share in happiness, either human or divine. Having given strength, he/she has a share in strength, either human or divine. Having given quick-wittedness, he/she has a share in quick-wittedness, either human or divine. In giving a meal, the donor gives these five things to the recipient."

The prudent person giving life, strength,
 beauty, quick-wittedness --
the wise person, a giver of happiness --
 attains happiness himself.
Having given life, strength, beauty,
 happiness, and quick-wittedness,
he has long life and status
 wherever he arises.

You may argue "How could Ayn Rand have known the ways of Bhikkus? Do you know the ways of Ubuntu clan of Africa? In her Utopia, there would be no beggars even though it entails hardships for them. Haven't you seen Slumdog millionaire and how poor beings gets sucked into this social evil?
Also, how can you compare Bhikkus with beggars, the contemplatives and the needy? Isn't it like comparing apples and oranges?"

To which I'd reply "People give to Bhikkus out of faith and this is a practice deeply embedded in Buddhist communities. Anyway my intention is to only arouse in your heart compassion for the needy and reverence for the holy!"

As for the impact, Buddha's teaching have had a pretty calming effect on me. Since it has had such influence, I've drawn more closer to it effortlessly and seamlessly. The teachings have completed satiated my sense of mind, which by the way is the sixth sense, such that I'd look no further.

In pursuit of happiness

namotasa bhagwato arahato sama sam buddha sa

 Constant yearning for happiness

After Virat Kohli slammed 180 odd against Sri Lanka inside 36 overs to almost guide India to finals, he came to press conference and said "The knock was deeply satisfying." Again he repeated the feet in Bangladesh and gave India another chance of qualifying in Asia Cup. Then he said "It is an honor to become vice-captain. I am happy with my performance and especially so because this time it is against arch rivals Pakistan." Virat also became active on Facebook and used to post pictures and updates.

I am very certain that every time Virat goes on the field, he is searching for the "same rewarding satisfying performance" that will fill his heart with joy and happiness. Recently he lost his touch and didn't perform well in IPL so the frequency of his posts had lessened. I hope he gets in good form again, we will begin to be a part of his happiness.

Anyway what happens when one goes on scoring century after century? What happens when one achieves the unprecedented? What happens when Sachin Tendulkar scores 100th 100? I can't think of a more illustrious and a rewarding career. But what did happen was that Sachin closed his eyes and looked up in the sky and said "God, why did you make me suffer so much? Why did you have to me wait so much for one last century?"

Here's another vague citing. A woman tells her man "Tell me that you will be with me forever. Say that you will love me forever." The man may perhaps think at the back of your mind "Wait a minute, doesn't she know that I won't be around forever and I can't really be sure what happens after death so how do I promise forever?" Anyway he says "Yes darling, I will be with you forever". But what prompts the "forever thought" in the first place?

Perhaps one may have experienced heart-ache and may have been burnt by a broken relationship. Life has been shattered and one may no longer seek love from a human being. One may want to end one's life and commit suicide with the thought "After death, I may perhaps experience happiness that I could not experience in this life. When I enter the kingdom of God, I want to be touched by him so that my heart is filled with unparalleled happiness."


The point is that we all yearn for constant deeply rewarding, satisfying ever lasting happiness, happiness that our heart is capable of experiencing. What I have common with you is that we are both looking for happiness.

This is not just limited to human beings. One basic urge of all living existence is the urge to be happy. Hence there is a very beautiful precept in Buddhism "One should not kill". If you take away the fear of death that any living being would have, it would perhaps have an opportunity to experience happiness.

Where do we find "happiness"?

We look for happiness everywhere. We want to go to a nice restaurant in town offering fancy delicacies. Or we wanna go to a music concert, music can fill our hearts with joy.

We want to go sight seeing: lets go to Switzerland skiing, or I will just enjoy the view from the top of the Alps. Or we want to go to the beach, a nice uncrowded beach with no interference, just cool breeze and waves and me.

Or we want to put on beautiful apparels and a perfume to look and smell good.

Maybe you have very nice thoughts in your mind and you want to meet like-minded people who could understand and reciprocate.

Perhaps you want to feel the touch of a man or a woman. 

In my case, I used to bully a lot of people in college and school to derive happiness. I got a bit of pleasure but not much happiness. Likewise, all the above do bring some pleasure but not deep gratifying happiness that we yearn for.

Some of us do repeat the "pleasurable experiences" to grab happiness. Every time the experience needs to be bettered. "Last year, I went to Goa for my vacation. This time I will go to Maldives." However the yearning remains, we are never completely satisfied.

Or worse, a man who knows how to trick a woman's heart goes on seeking pleasure to become a Casanova. What awaits him in future is anything but pleasant. I will strongly discourage you from watching sops such as 'Mad Men', they leads to unwholesome states.

Where else to we seek happiness?
Relationships can be deeply rewarding and satisfying: the happiness of a family life, raising up a child, taking care of your folks, bonding with siblings.

However relationships do have their drawbacks. Sometimes heart's change and people feel differently, experiencing heart-ache and separation. Sometimes our loved ones are separated through death and our hearts are filled with sorrow and we grieve.

Buddhism, like Hinduism, believes rebirth to be true. The Buddha says "Through experiencing the deaths of our beloved mother, father, spouses, brothers and sisters in our repeated existence, we have shed more tears than there is water is the five great oceans"

I don't know what happens after death or that rebirth is true however the prospect is very scary. In short, all worldly pursuits are unsatisfactory.

How sensitive are we?

We are sensitive beings and we live in a sensitive world. The calmness of our hearts can easily be disturbed even by the sound of snapping fingers.

If my fiancée is not smiling, it is enough to get me worried. She can't smile all the time; her cheeks would hurt. Then I crack jokes and try to figure out what is bothering her.

If my colleague passes on a shrewd remark, it is enough to keep me uneasy for at least a couple of days.

You get a phone call and hear about the news of your parents being ill or any mishap that happened many many kilometers away, you are very far from happiness.

Define happiness

Happiness should be ever lasting, deep and unshakable. 

Our hearts should be filled with so much happiness that it overflows and we make other happy. It should not be transitory, and it should not be due to any illusion. Happiness should be like a rock such that cannot be disturbed by any tsunami or earthquake. 

We should not compromise on anything less than perfect happiness. 

Investing is true suffering

namotasa bhagwato arahato sama sam buddha sa 


I would like to know about my journey in investment world.

Investment for saving tax

Fresh out of college and in my first job, it became known to me that government would take more tax if I didn't invest. So I inquired and came to know about these primary options:

1. Fixed Income such as fixed deposits, Public Provident Fund and the likes. Further all these are loathsome instruments as you only get a meager return of interest and the lock in period is on the higher side. These options are for the elderly folks. Young people like you can take risks.
2. Mutual Funds - This is the investment for you. Money gets invested in equity markets and you dare not doubt the story of Incredible India. FIIs are pouring into India from all corners of the world
3. Stocks - It is very risky and you would require a trading account etc. You are a new investor and let the experts take care of your money.

So I bought mutual funds with dividend option - I didn't knew then what is dividend. I made the investment in January and the mutual fund declared a dividend in March. I received a whopping 18% return in the form of checks, in just two months. I was on the moon and whoever I met, I would advice him or her to buy the same mutual funds. I knew very well then what dividend means.


Perhaps in the next year, the equity markets didn't do well and I received a meager interest. Further, I checked the value of my investment and the principal hadn't grown much. It was disappointing, the happiness that I was seeking from the same level of growth wasn't there to be.


But then you can't always expect markets to rise, sometimes it falls. These are the risks associated with equity markets and you should have known. Further, to lower such risks what you should do is buy a SIP, Systematic Investment Plan. So rather than investing at the end of year, you ought to invest monthly so that you participate evenly and you do not lose out investing on the lows.

I took the advice and started the SIP- With time I regularly checked where my investment was and it wasn't growing. Worse, it was somewhere 2008 where Sensex was retrieving from highs. The cumulative of my investment was negative and my investment was worth less than what money I had put in. This was really sad.

Inquiry into Mutual Funds

So I searched and looked around the web. Interestingly the returns which Mutual Funds had posted with the rise and fall of markets were uneven. For example, when the market had risen 20%, the mutual funds posted returns of 15%. When the markets fell by 10%, the mutual funds fell by 15%. It is very puzzling. How can this be?

You know what, there are certain hidden costs associated with mutual funds. Either the fund makes money or not, the fund manager would charge fees. Plus there are certain operational costs associated with mutual funds. 

For me, the mutual funds had lost all charms and they were ugly and unattractive instruments. I decided that I would not spend a single rupee on any Mutual Fund.

If I would have rather invested in PPF, I was guaranteed 8% return. Then the old folks started appearing wise by sticking to FD and PPF, after all they do recommend not taking much risk. I opened a PPF account and for whatever investment required for tax saving and with what money I could save, I would put it into PPF.

Increased risk appetite

How could I stay away from the market? The lure is so much, even if it was just a hobby. Perhaps I should try to balance my risk. Now that I had been around for a few years, I ought to be investing in stocks. Take the matters in my own hand, after all it is my money. Again, which company do I pick?

I began searching and I read many scripts. Taking lessons from investopedia.com to making virtual money portfolio in rediff.com. Reading into financial statements and looking into business model, market competency, product information etc.. I crammed myself with so much information that it hurt. Anyways I bought a few Bharti Airtel shares just to play safe.

However the stock fell and I was again puzzled. It is the best telecom company with terrific records and nothing but growth lay ahead in front of it.

Value Investing

I researched further and then I realized "A great company is not always a great buy. You have to determine the worth of a stock at a given time before buying. For example, Apple is a great company but the stock is overpriced." So you need to learn value investing. So I paused my investing for a till I learned more about value investing.

I learned that I should be a long term investor, look for the environment around for clues. Winning companies make product or services that sell. In general companies, like humans, have a life span. They are conceived, then grow and reach a particular stage and then they saturate and slowly become obsolete. Therefore it is imperative that you identify a company when it in adolescence. No point investing in a giant like General Electric which has reached full maturation. Take a brief look at financials to know check the debt, P/E etc. Further I should see where my investments are by regularly reviewing quarterly results, annual reports etc.

So I looked around for such companies and build my portfolio. For example, I bought my groceries from Big Bazaar and was quite impressed by it. A lot of people were moving into metros and organized retail was a growth story. Big Bazaar was simply expanding its retail space all over the country. It of course gave good deals to the customers and the store was always crowded. Giants like Walmart and Tesco were waiting to gain entry into Indian markets. Government at some point may allow FDI which would only help companies like Big Bazaar through funding etc. The stock was under priced as well and it made sense to buy it.

Plight of a retail investor

So I fed myself with more and more information. Constantly reading about stocks and companies in my portfolio and looking for new companies that fit the description "value investing". One fine day I woke up and news said the results are out and Pantaloon Retails (parent company of Big Bazaar) had performed below market expectations, the debt servicing was high and their electronic business wasn't doing good. By the time I could react, the stock was already trading down 5-7%. Sometimes as a retail investor, you feel that by the time the news has reached you it has become stale. Anyways I was a value investor so I stayed put.

FDI retail 

Market buzz was that the government is soon going to open retail market for Foreign Direct Investment. Pantaloon retail zoomed in the expectation. One day government made the announcement and stock went like a rocket. However the  retail association prepared for a nationwide strike and negotiated with the government, seeking protection for small businesses. The government obliged and rolled back its order. Excuse me, what just happened? The stock crashed more than 10%. A few days later, someone from the cabinet announced that FDI will be back, stay tuned. Anyway the stock was so volatile that was too much for my nerves to handle.

Greeks running out of money, FIIs unimpressed

At the same time, Greeks ran out of money and euro crisis was beginning to shape up. Since France and other countries held its debt, the whole Europe was reeling under pressure, they could not afford a default. All the investor were fleeing to safe heavens such as dollar, and debt of countries such as America and Germany. Global investors were also staying away from risky bets such as developing markets

Indian markets all of sudden became unattractive for foreign investors. Macro factors were coming into play - the interest rates were pretty high that hampered businesses, government didn't bring many reforms and policy was paralyzed. So when the FIIs pulled out money, the market fell even more as the developing markets are highly volatile. My portfolio began to bled day by day. Everyday I returned from work only to find out that portfolio is down 1-2%. I began to wonder if "value investing" fits in Indian context. My predicament was further fueled by a friend who said "Boss in India, all the market is gamed by big players. Retail investors are only there to lose money. Why don't you look at various IPOs, it is all hyped by big boys just to make money. See where those companies are now."

My patience with value investing was growing thin and it became apparent to me that only place market is heading is downwards. Finally I sold my entire portfolio and I was freed from the daily turmoil. I accepted the losses and felt relieved as to not feeding myself with information.

Other instruments


However I still continued to follow the news and perhaps I had a sense of idea where markets are heading. There was no good news in sight and the downward trends continued. Nifty was hovering around 4800 and there was no reason why it should come up. Economies like Italy and Spain were behind Greece, there debt was mounting and no one seemed to buy it. Debt markets were dictating equity markets around the world and there was nothing much to cheer. Also, all the equity markets around the world seemed to be linked. So if the unemployment was down in US, markets rose there and Japan and other Asian markets followed suit. Anyways the euro debt problem wasn't going to be solved overnight so the market should continue to slide further. Take a guess what I bought next.

Yes, I bought options on Nifty. One day Nifty was trading around 4850, I sold call options at strike price 4900. The bet was that I was selling insurance to anyone who feels that Nifty would end above 4900 next month. In case if it did end above 4900, my losses would mount however I was covered till 5000. What I thought "Come on, I will take on anyone who feels that market is bullish". I promised myself that if it did indeed reach 5000 I would buy a call and accept loss.

Then I began to reflect what was happening to me. I was so grossed in the news that it didn't feel pleasant. I was up before the market were open flipping through various channels for any news coming out of Europe. While at work, I read the news and continuously monitored the Sensex to see what's happening. So much so that I felt exhausted and loaded with thoughts that won't disappear even while I was asleep.


Politicians in Europe came to rescue

Angela Merkel and Nicolas Sarkozy announced that they would come together and lead other European nations to form a "fiscal union" and tackle the debt problem. All of a sudden, market began to recover hoping some action to tackle crisis. The market was primarily driven by events and the main actors were Merkozy as the duo were called. Anyways, I had to continuously watch news to see what the fate of my investment would be. I thought if the euro debt problem was solved, I was content to lose the bet I made.

The meeting of Euro nations was a success and the market cheered. Even though UK opted out, the majority of European nations accepted to form a "Fiscal Compact". The Greeks and bank association accepted the deal Merkozy gave them. Greek debt would be slashed, and in turn it would have to bring some austerity measures. Bankers also accepted some losses.

What happened to my bet?

The reaction was that Nifty not only bounced back and crossed 5000, it crossed 5100 and was touching 5200. Wait a minute, wasn't the euro debt problem not going to be solved overnight?

My opinion turned out to be totally wrong and I didn't see this coming at all. I told myself "You are a loser. You are no good a trader. You should have stayed out of this. You don't understand the markets. Go and close your bet". I prayed "Just bail me out this one last time, I swear I will never invest again, especially in F&O".

However the market seemed ridiculously high and guess what I did - I bought a put option and doubled my bet. This time my loses were limited but I would win the bet only if the Nifty closed below 4900.

Back to the news, the Greek prime minister returned home and seeking ambition in his political career, announced a referendum as to accept the deal being offered. The Greek people would decide their own future. The market  turned red and uncertainty loomed again.

Nifty option expiry


The Nifty also retreated from highs. It eventually ended up at 4750 so I made money on both the bets. There was no happiness in being a winner. After all the emotional turmoil I had to bear, was the money really worth it? What happiness does money buy you anyway? Plus the money gets electronically credited to your bank account so you don't feel that you have won a bet. Investing all of a sudden had lost all charm for me.

I had again made similar bets the next month but lost all interest to track it continuously. This time ECB stepped in and printed a lot of paper money such that all the markets were up. So I lost my bets.

Anyway what do you do when your investment grows? When you make a winning bet. You tell your friends success stories how much profit did you make and how. It can be equated to sowing seeds of greed in your friend's heart, bringing out the unwholesome hidden desires in them.

I deeply regret what I did next. I explained the whole F&O game to my brother-in-law. My sister was expecting a baby at that point, and they have a mammoth house loan so the whole expenses were on the rise. He also made some silly bets and lost more money. Not that he shared with me much but I am certain he would have had trouble managing family finances.


Investing is ankusala


I had grown increasingly disenchanted with the whole "investing as a hobby". It didn't led to my growth and only to my deterioration. It has lead me to morally unwholesome state and I would categorize it as wrong livelihood and thus avoid it.